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All Deviations

Construct From Wind an Orchid by ~jeconner:iconjeconner:





A dollar fifty bought us candy, sprung in mouths
without a thought and just a grin to skip along
with, happy hands to clutch and sun to flush our skin.
It wasn't long, that walk through city blocks although
it took our talk from start to finish, back again,
with giants hulking, arching up as though dragoons
at which a thought would cross your mind: "Imprison us,"
you'd say to glass and guards who'd, in alarm, back off
a bit.  A flight of shadows from us lifts our chins
to sparrow songs and pass along in bliss across
an artificial park of rock, of iron, hot
now with construction, blown by scorching winds.  You spot
an orchid clinging brick and rip it, claiming that
it didn't fit, and I sit down, aghast until
you grasp my hand.  Our fist is doubly big and swings,
too clumsy, back and forth.  A bug starts to chirp;
it knows of stars forthcoming.  Our light slowly fails—
a phantom orchid holds my pupils rapt at such
contrast, its pallor stark against your hair, all black;
but facing urban titans is hard without you.
©2005-2008 ~jeconner
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Submitted: January 2, 2005
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Author's Comments

Art by ~lizaroni.
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~WhoKilledKirov:iconWhoKilledKirov: Jan 2, 2005, 8:46:49 PM
"pass along in bliss across.."
"aghast until you grasp.."

good consonance, assonance. lovely to read aloud I find.

liked the line breaks as well.

goodness

--
I gave the green tentacle a bowl of wax fruit, and then joined his band
~lizaroni:iconlizaroni: Jan 2, 2005, 10:39:10 PM
dragoons?

Good imagery! And I like the time of day feeling to it.

Maybe I'll paint something for it.
~girlonstage:icongirlonstage: Jan 2, 2005, 10:57:04 PM
Check some verb tenses. With the complicated sentence structure, that's important.

--
"Good teaching is 1/3 preparation and 3/4 theater" - Gail Goodwin
~jeconner:iconjeconner: Jan 3, 2005, 8:10:34 AM
I know; it's troubling. I'll try to fix it, though it may unfold haltingly.
~one-in-hell:iconone-in-hell: Jan 9, 2005, 9:22:42 PM
hmm..

its intresting, i liek the feel, and you definately have your own rythmn of thoughts going.

my likes, the childlike innocence of the beggining and the breaking of it in between.
you have good lines, especially the opener, most anyone can get in on a dollar fifty getting some sweets with a sweet hand holding girl going for a walk, nice hook, and great follow through, very well done for a though progression.

dislikes, bugs chirping and gaurds backing away, you have much to timid a tearing of innocence, or so it seems to me.

i got the general idea of good walking into trouble and the trouble getting the better, but not much else, seeing as im short on time, for more pennies to be thrown gimme a yell and ill read again.

--
Be God's

member of *penpushers
~lizaroni:iconlizaroni: Jan 11, 2005, 9:32:42 AM
Pastel work for this poem...
[link]
~Echoeslegend:iconEchoeslegend: Jan 12, 2005, 2:55:04 PM
I enjoy this one a lot, mainly how it flows but also the little narration it tells. Some lovely imaging, and especially nice work with the rythmn.

--
-Ravie

It appears my hypocrisy knows no bounds.
~originill:iconoriginill: Dec 25, 2005, 12:31:24 PM
dig the in&out rhyme scheme, and the whole feel of midevil myth poking present reality. love it, wholely. bravo.

--
my enemy said to me, "love your enemy."
and i obeyed him and loved myself. gibran
~WhoKilledKirov:iconWhoKilledKirov: Feb 7, 2006, 12:18:15 AM
i came back to leave another comment

because i read this a lot

because i love it.


and im not just saying that because we are skype buddies.

--
I gave the green tentacle a bowl of wax fruit, and then joined his band